What the Fuck is Up 2025?!

I'm here to update your ass

The new year arrived sweating, cussing, and with its hands full of changes and nowhere to sit them down. To say that things are different now wouldn’t be accurate because things are the same in many ways. I don’t know what to tell y’all first. So, I guess I’ll start with some facts:

I went to a great concert January 3rd and I was totally going to write about it but I have been struggling to decide what to leave in or take out. I strive for honesty with y’all here. But there are things that are kind of none of your business. It’s up to me to figure out what those things are while still being true to the events.

Some might say I made a mistake and blew up my relationship. Others might say the separation was a long time coming. I’m saying no matter how hard I tried I realized I would never be happy following the rules and expectations of the person I now call my coparent. The facts are that he ended our romantic and sexual connection because I had sex with others that night. There’s so much more to it that I’ll write about some other time. But that’s really the crux of it. This separation happened on the 4th after he had spent all night hacking into my social media and invading my privacy, not for the first time. I’m writing this on the 20th.

Even though it has been uncomfortable, I feel better than I have in so long. I’m no longer pouring myself into a task that I will never be able to accomplish, making him happy or making him be okay with who and how I am. My nervous system is no longer on alert, I can breathe a little better.

While I’m sad that the partnership we had came to a close, it was honestly not much of one by the end. The romance wasn’t there, the effort was unbalanced, and there was no reconciling our philosophical differences when it comes to quite a wide variety of things. I tried very hard to be monogamous for him. I tried very hard to make him feel loved and treasured. I tried very hard to show up in the relationship with an open mind and calm words. I read all the books and listened to all the podcasts I could on relationships and communication. I spent hours in therapy trying to figure out how to talk with him in constructive ways that wouldn’t get me stuck in circular arguments for hours.

Now, he can feel whatever he wants about me. I don’t have to hear about it or care. After we ended our sexual and romantic relationship, he cut me off financially. But I’ve been completely left out of the finances up until now despite begging to be in the know. Plus, I got an emergency credit card without his knowledge so when he did tell me I was cut off he was denied the satisfaction of my fear or anger. I know I will make enough one day for him to no longer have control over me financially. As I slip out of each leash of control he had, he becomes less amicable. No one who knows me is shocked.

It’s so hard to talk about abuse when it isn’t physical. Although isn’t controlling what someone wears physical? Or controlling where they go and what they do, for how long, and with who? I think yeah. I want to say that I don’t think he’s a bad person and I don’t think it’s been intentional. It’s just my experience with him. I have so many diary entries that remind me of the realities.

He resented me for “taking advantage of him financially” by not bringing in any money as a stay-at-home mom, for “being frivolous” by wanting to get out of the house with my friends, and “fanciful, rigid, and audacious” for wanting to move out of the tiny house next door to my in-laws we are rapidly outgrowing. One day I’ll write about the wheel of power and control and financial abuse and how it relates to stay-at-home moms.

Now, I hope he finds someone willing and happy to be what he wants them to be. I know we’ll continue to be great co-parents, but I don’t know when we will be friends. We haven’t been friends in a long time, either.

Now, I’m doing things I enjoy and trying not to let his shaming get to me when he says I’m not spending enough time with our kid. I’ve spent almost every day of her three and a half years with her while he traveled a ton or worked constantly or was just generally disengaged. Nice try! He wants me to move all of my sewing and vintage stuff to my friend’s house because it’s taking up too much space here but he wants me to pay him monthly to live here. He says he doesn’t care if I “fall on my face anymore.”

I’m not falling, cuties, I’m flying. I’m going to be okay no matter how miserable he tries to make our home life for me. I hope he snaps out of it because it seems like every time I start feeling better about the new situation, he adds another roadblock. I want to thrive now.

I stayed home with our kid, did all the cleaning, all the dishes, all the laundry, all the social planning, all the holiday planning, all the sorting through clothes for the seasons, all the work and education on relationships and even parenting. What is that worth? Nothing to him.

Now, I’m trying to figure out how I can work and live autonomously and spend time with our kid. I don’t know what’s next for me. But I know it’ll be better than what I was going through. I have a wonderful support system that I made over the years and they continue to show me how much they value me. I know they have my back, no matter what comes my way.

Thanks for reading, cuties, and thank you for all the support. I’ll be back to writing all my regular stuff soon, I just had to get this update out.